This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
