I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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