I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
