I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
thus making me awesome and them whores
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
