There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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