Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
