This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
