moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
