you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
