At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
