think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
