so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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