I accidentally had phone sex last night
her vagine was all disorganized.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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