her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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