I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
