grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
