Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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