My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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