maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
