I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
