you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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