Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
