party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
