and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
