so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
