my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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