I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
