You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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