I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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