dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
