Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
