Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
