she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
