apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
