I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm like, not good at living.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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