My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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