When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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