I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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