Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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