can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
