I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
