i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
