I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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