You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
