I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
