Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
