So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
And then he peed in my hair
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