If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
