I'm going to jail i love you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
