I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
